Dead Lily
by JamesPotterROXmySOX
Summary: Handsome, successful, popular, and full of his ego, James Potter has finally moved on with his life.. a life away from one specific flower. How ironic that she's just realized how head over heels in love with him she is... what's a flower to do?
1. broken

**Dead Lily **

**By NikiJane**

It was _**ridiculous**_, these feelings she was having. It was _wrong. _

When did he become the only thing she thought about?

_**possessing**_ her brain and soul.

She felt his presence every time he walked into the room. His lean build and strong muscles drove her mad with desire. She saw his gorgeous disheveled hair that had at one point driven her mad.

Now all she wanted was to tug and pull and run her hands through it. It was killing her. KILLING her, that he didn't care anymore. She had _lost him. _

Why would _he _wait around for _her. _She couldn't blame him. She was nothing special. Her hair exploded around her head in uncontrollable curls. She's too skinny and not sporty enough for him. She screams at every little thing he does, he's just so aggravating... but she misses him. She misses his side winks and glances. She misses her food exploding in her face and she even misses him charming her favorite robes pink. She would let him do any of his stupid pranks if it meant he would look at her the same way he used to.

It's ridiculous she knows! How she used to hate him messing up his hair because he wanted to look 'cooler' but now she knows its a habit when he's nervous. She can't help but find it adorable.

She misses his crooked grin. He had a special look reserved for her- she'd had a special glare just reserved for him.

And she's so unsure of herself. She's loosing her fire, her friends are starting to notice that something is wrong. She's not the same. Not the same without _him. _The incorrigible and handsome J_**ames Potter. **_He's obnoxious and loud and pig headed. Everything in life just came so easily to him.

She worked and worked and wrote notes until her hands bleed and yet still he got the same grades as her.

And it's _wrong. _So so _**wrong**_, but she knows that she misses him with every fiber of her being.

She feels neglected, forgotten. She wouldn't have told anyone, but she'd always felt special at the attention he gave her. All the girls would whisper and tell her how lucky she was. Now he's with _her. And she's __**perfect, **_for him. Now all the girls giggle and talk with _her _about how lucky she is. And they gossip about him and it makes her _sick. _

_Because that should be __**her. **_It was always supposed to be _her. _But she's lost her shot. Her insides feel like they've been scooped out and thrown on the floor. Her emotions are raw for everyone to see.

Everyone, unconsciously or consciously, compare her and Lauren. And she feels like Lauren beats her in every way. She's beautiful and athletic and funny.

And she's just sad, broken and wilted.

A _**dead Lily.**_


	2. upside down

There _**she **_was. In the HEADS dorm. Lily bit on her tongue. _Breathe Lillian Rose, breathe,_ she ordered herself. Amazing Lauren was sitting in _her _dorm,her legs wrapped under her body while playing with James' hair. Her long tanned fingers twirling his messy black strands around. He had his legs lazily displayed in front of him. Lily couldn't help watch his golden muscled arm flip a page from his quidditch magazine. She groaned. It was beyond unfair to have to endure him from a distance. Lauren stretched forward, more flexible than a cat, and whispered something into his ear. He laughed sending chills up Lily's legs and a warm feeling settled into her stomach.

"_i didn't know we were bringing people into our dorm now Potter," she snapped. She didn't want to yell at him but it was easier pretending. Pretending that just being near him didn't set her on fire. Pretending that it didn't make her think of all her wild sinful sex dreams(the specific very naked chocolate covered one from last night). _

_His head lifted and he raised an eyebrow. _

"_i was never against bringing people up here Lily," he said calmly. _

"_hmmm, right," she replied. _

"_hi Lily," Lauren beamed. _

_What the fuck? **Why** did she have to be so perfect and nice? **Why** couldn't he be dating some horrid cow?_

"_hi," she grunted in return and quickly turned to leave, "I'll let you two have some privacy yeah?" Before he could respond she was out the door. _

"_leaving so soon dear?" the gargoyle asked concerned. _

"_yeah.. just.." Lily couldn't choke words out. Her throat seemed to have been burned closed. Hot melted lava poured into her, she felt like she was being fried alive._

She walked, dragged the weight of her sorrow all the way up to the Gryffindor common room and into her old room. Marlene wasn't here, she was probably out running. Mary was at her ever _'popular' _'house-unity' club. Lily slammed into her old bed and wrapped herself into the familiar covers. It smelt like old sleepovers and her 4th year perfume that she'd never managed to wash out. Alice would be with Frank, they were glued at the hip now days.

Happily inlove.

She felt the tears hot on her cheeks before she registered that she was actually crying.

_Crying. _

_**Crying.**_

_**CRYING.**_

_She __**never **__cried! Potter was making her CRY. _The realization only made her sob more. When had she become this girl? The one so depended on a man for love and assurance? When had she become so worthless? She _disgusted _herself. She had been strong, independent, self-assured and beautiful. People had looked up to her. She had been a proud Gryffindor, a kind person and he had stripped her of everything! He had stripped her raw, worse than being displayed naked, he had ripped her flesh from her skin... leaving her bones alone. Not even her soul. Her temper becoming nothing compared to what it had _once _been. Her shiny hair not nearly as bouncy and pretty. Her face was pale and drawn.

"_lily?" Emma's horrified voice only made her break down more. People weren't supposed to see her like this. NO ONE COULD SEE! Not ever her bestfriends... _

"_GO AWAY!" she yelled in between broken sobs. _

"_lily? Oh lily, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Emma perched on the side of the bed, her hand resting gently on Lily's head. She stroked her shaking bestfriend's hair soothingly. _

"_You're s-s-sup-p-posed t-t-ttt-o b-b e out-tt with N-nick," she stuttered. _

"_he had a quidditch thing," Emma said briskly, "but what's wrong? Tell me." _

"_go away Emma," she whispered. _

"_Is it Owls? Lily you're the smartest in our year you don't need to be stressing over this stuff. I keep telling Marlene that we need to get you out so you can have more fun and stop working..." _

_merlin, OH MERLIN! She thought it was grades! **Grades**... as if she would cry about her grades? Her school work was the one thing she could control. _

"_Em.. p-pleasee go away," Lily whispered. _

_Emma pulled her hand back hurt, "Lily?" _

"_GO!" she screeched. _

"_WELL FINE!" Emma stood up angrily, "you know Lily, We can't help you unless you tell us whats wrong!" Emma swept her dark black hair over one shoulder and stormed out of the room. The door slam echoed against the walls. _

_Lily broke down even more. **Great. **Now she was pushing her bestfriend's away too... _

_But what was she going to **say? **I realized James Potter is fucking sexy and I want to shag him until i'm bleeding?_

…

_except it was more than that wasn't it... there was the physical attraction but worst of all was the gaping whole in her chest. The whole that was most deffineilty caused by her emotional attachment to the idiot who had cast her aside for Lauren. _

_Bombshell lauren. _

_Wonderful Lauren. _

_Gorgeous Laurnen. _

_Amusing Lauren. _

_Quidditch playing Lauren. _

_Then there was ALSO the fact that everyone would laugh at her. Marlene would say 'I told you so!' and Mary would have to pay her for the little bet they have going on about potter and her. Emma will look all pitying at Lily... _

_Telling them made it more real. If she spoke to them about it, shared her deepest darkest feelings then there was no chance of going back. No chance of this all just being a bad dream in her head. Potter would really have moved on. . . _

She let herself break down, she let the weakness sweep over her for the afternoon and cried into the familiar bed sheets. They reminded her of the times when things weren't confusing. When he was chasing her and she was screaming at him.. Back when she didn't know her feelings at all and everything was far more simpler just to hate him. when everything was _right _with the world.

Now everything had been spun upside down and she didn't know _**how **_to walk upside down.

**REVIEW? (: **

**Any feed back is welcome. **

**Jane**


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